Can you hear me?
Can you feel me?
Can you see me?
I'm talking to you everyday.
We came so far but in different directions.
Did you feel it when I left?
I tried to control it.
To shut out the conversation between my heart and soul.
To dampen the awakening of my mind.
To quieten the signals my body was giving me.
To not hear the words screaming from my very being...
but they got louder.
I had to listen.
I had to grow up.
I had to cry.
I had to run.
I had to detach.
I had to visualise the love I had for you, look it in the eye, talk to it, fight with it, make a deal with it, make peace with it.
I know you felt it when my soul left you.
Although it was quiet and shut the door without a sound, I know you felt it because I can feel yours leaving me now.
You are so much of me.
We will never be apart.
Forever together in our pain, memories and remaining love for each other.
Sometimes I feel like you know me and all of the mistakes I've yet to make.
Sometimes I wonder if we were ever connected at all.
Sometimes I wonder what we were thinking.
Sometimes I'm in awe of the time we spent together.
Where did it go?
Where did we go?
Where did you go?
Where did I go?
Can the earth shatter so much it cracks, yet still be walked on?
Can such a soul crushing loss evaporate into the atmosphere then be the very air that we breathe?
Can human beings merge into one - separate - then manage to be whole on their own?
That's what I want for you and I.
I want us to be whole individually.
We weren't before.
We were filling the gaps in each other, stuffing them full of love, comforting words and deep kisses.
I loved you.
I didn't know myself.
I lost myself in you.
You taught me.
You fucked me up.
I don't regret one second I spent with you.
What's next?
I don't know.
I will carry you with me everywhere I go.
But now I'm also carrying myself.
I'm heavy.
I'm complicated.
I am my best companion and friend.
I hope you can still hear, see and feel me from afar.
Your fingerprints are forever on my skin, they will never wash away.
Your songs will forever play in my head, to them I will always listen.
Your voice will forever echo in my soul and I will always reply.
To say I loved you isn't enough, it was never enough for what we shared.
We never said goodbye to each other, we always said see you later.
Which makes this the saddest sentence I've ever written.
Goodbye my love.
The door of us as a couple may have closed, but with every door that closes another one opens, and for you, my door is always and forever open.